In past posts, I emphasized the importance of starting now to prepare our students for college, no matter what their age or grade level. I further emphasized that proficiency in the area of self-determination is an essential component of that process, and I challenged you to assess your child’s or students’ abilities in this area. What did you discover? If you’re not pleased with the results, look inward and consider whether you are listening to your child or students.
When our students come to us with a problem, we usually want to help them. So we console, interpret, advise, distract or praise. Other times, we feel we must teach our students, and so we interrogate, lecture, moralize or order. And probably more often than we’d like, we respond angrily—blaming, criticizing, ridiculing, shaming or withdrawing.
However, all of these responses are problematic. They often lead to “learned helplessness” and serve to stop the communication of real feelings and the development of self-determined behavior. In order to foster choice-making skills, decision-making skills, problem-solving skills, goal-setting and attainment skills, self-regulation/self-management skills, self-advocacy and leadership skills – the essential components of self-determined behavior – we must learn to just listen!
How effective can that really be? Consider the following excerpt from Madelyn Burley-Allen’s book, Listening The Forgotten Skill.
“When… you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me – strange as that may seem … When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy, but when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get down to the business of understanding it. Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them, and when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice… So please just listen!”
How well are you listening to your child or students? Take the quiz below, adapted from the classic Parent Effectiveness Training, by Dr. Thomas Gordon, to assess your listening skills.
1. I let my child or students feel their difficult feelings, knowing that comments such as “Everyone goes through this” deny the strength of their feelings.
2. I try to listen for the need beneath the words and respond to that.
3. I make it a point to check in to see if I’ve understood something in the way my child or student intended it. When I do, I try to keep my own feelings, opinions and guidance out of it.
4. When my child or student tells me something, I try to respond with either noncommittal phrases (such as “I see” or “Is that so”) or with an invitation to say more (such as “Tell me more” or “Go ahead, I’m listening”).
5. I notice that when I listen to my student’s problems, rather than make suggestions or give advice, my student often comes up with his or her own excellent solutions.
6. When I hear my child out fully, my child is often much more willing to listen to my thoughts and ideas.
7. When I let my students express their feelings openly and completely, the feelings often seem to disappear quickly.
8. I really want to hear what my child has to say. If I don’t have the time to listen right at that moment, I say so and make time for it later.
9. I’ve learned to allow my children to try and find good solutions to their problems on their own, and understand that mistakes are part of their learning process.
10. I understand that my children are separate, unique individuals, and that their feelings and perceptions are not necessarily the same as mine.
11. When I stay away from moralizing, interpreting, ordering and advising, I find that I learn a lot more about my child or students. Sometimes, I even learn from them.
12. I know that just listening doesn’t always bring about immediate change and that it’s sometimes OK to leave things on an inconclusive or incomplete note.
13. I understand that listening to children express their feelings can help them accept a situation they know they cannot change.
If you scored fewer “true” answers than false, you could probably benefit from improving your listening skills, and your student could probably benefit from developing his or her self-determination skills. CLICK HERE to contact me for a complimentary consultation.
Author’s content used under license, © 2008 Claire Communications.
